Why I made this blog? The reason is very simple. I don't want people to know my dark depressed moment. I think nobody likes gloomy person, like Eeyore in the Winnie the Pooh story who always brings dark cloud above his head. His friends get sad near him. I don't want that. I like to please others. I want perceived as a happy messenger, who always talk about enthusiasm, happiness, and hope to others. Sadness is something better to be kept by myself. There's no need to tell the world.
So if I get upset, I simply delay my complain, and quietly pour all in this blog. This blog is the only place I can be nasty, evil, and extremely complaining. Usually after I write down all my worries and sadness... I feel relieved and have the strength to forgive people or situation that hurt me.
But lately the life is really testing me, for it so unforgiving and tough that almost make me drowned and hard to breath. Even write down my unhappiness seemed not really helpful anymore. It's like that everything has the chance to hurt me. And I hate myself when I become this fragile. I loathe it.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Bodoh
Saya sedang marah sekali. Bukan marah pada orang lain. Saya marah pada diri sendiri. Rasanya ingin memaki-maki diri sendiri, kamu BODOH, koq bisa-bisanya sih kamu menyodorkan diri kamu ke dalam situasi seperti ini?! Harusnya kan kamu tahu, harusnya kamu bisa menilai situasinya. Kenapa kamu tetap nekat, naif, dan impulsif, untuk menjebloskan diri ke dalam kehidupan macam ini. Katanya sih kamu mengerti sifat manusia. Dulu sih kamu merasa bisa menilai orang. Tapi kenyataannya? Keputusan kamu salah total. Kamu mendapat nilai minus untuk pilihan kamu. Sekarang kamu tahu kan akibatnya? Meredup dan terus meredup. Mungkin mati sebentar lagi. Tragis.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The War is Not Over
Business is not really good now, for us. Actually, it's not really good at all. Having lost almost all our saving last year in stocks, we hoped this year we can regain our financial success like last year. But these first months of 2009 haven't show any good signs yet.
February is our last busy month, preparing an exhibition for our client. I was so exhausted but grateful in having jobs while others said they had their business slowed down. But apparently, we were happy too soon. After the busy February, here comes the sterile March, when only one customer called us in the need of print ad layout.
It's been said that every business has its ups and downs. However, my guts is telling me that there's still a long windy road of our journey. What we face now is just the first chapter of the global recession. And what we need now is a lot of faith, determination, and of course, an evaluation of our company. We must be do something wrong because in this economic catastrophic, there are business that still running. Some of them even still perform well, as if they are untouchable by the current situation. We want to learn their way.
The hardest part of this situation is to be insane no matter how heavy the troubles that weigh you. It's tough, I know, but in my whole life, I've experienced once, that worse than this one. It's the point when I lost my appetite for life at all for being depressed by the gap of my ideal ideas of life to the real one. I simply didn't find any motivations to wake up every day. I even had a suicidal thought crossed in my mind.
But now it's different. Though the condition is quite overwhelmed, I've got back my once lost passion and motivation. These things that have kept me going. These are hybrid ones, differ from mine while still being an employee. It's a passion and motivation tested by time and hard works, with many adjustments accompanied by sweat, tears, and many series of domestic fights and argumentations with my husbands. With these new ones, I'm a tougher one, with much more realistic view of this imperfect life and flexibly adjust my attitude accordingly.
Every time I become pessimistic, I always remember this story:
One man who never experiences school is selling hot dogs at the corner of one street. The hot dogs is selling well, because he always assures that his customers get the best hot dogs from him. He only sells hot dogs with thick buns and meats. He has the poster on his booth that promoting his hot dogs. 'Good price, for a meaty jumbo hot dogs!' it says. His customers just keep coming back, longing for his hot dogs.
The business is so good that he can send his son go to college. He want his son gets the proper education, so he won't be like him who never taste a college. One day his son comes home for a holiday. During a family dinner, he asked his father, 'How's the business going? Don't you know there's a global economic recession? It seems that everyone has a financial crisis now.' He never read a newspaper, he's not too good at reading. Beside, he's too busy with his business to have his own free time. But his son, is educated and literate to the current economic situation, so he believes him. 'I must make some adjustment accordingly' he thinks.
Then he makes his hot dogs thinner so he can cut the cost and sell it cheaper. He is also put down the poster thinking is not relevant anymore with his hot dogs now and never bother to put the new one. He thinks people is in financial trouble anyway that promotion is not needed. The regular customers then find that his hot dogs are not as big and thick as before. They are very upset and stops visiting his booth to buy. The sales suddenly deep dive drastically. And it's what he said to his son, 'Son, you're right, we're in a global economic recession.'
So, the war is not over, I know, but it's still just too soon to raise a white flag.
February is our last busy month, preparing an exhibition for our client. I was so exhausted but grateful in having jobs while others said they had their business slowed down. But apparently, we were happy too soon. After the busy February, here comes the sterile March, when only one customer called us in the need of print ad layout.
It's been said that every business has its ups and downs. However, my guts is telling me that there's still a long windy road of our journey. What we face now is just the first chapter of the global recession. And what we need now is a lot of faith, determination, and of course, an evaluation of our company. We must be do something wrong because in this economic catastrophic, there are business that still running. Some of them even still perform well, as if they are untouchable by the current situation. We want to learn their way.
The hardest part of this situation is to be insane no matter how heavy the troubles that weigh you. It's tough, I know, but in my whole life, I've experienced once, that worse than this one. It's the point when I lost my appetite for life at all for being depressed by the gap of my ideal ideas of life to the real one. I simply didn't find any motivations to wake up every day. I even had a suicidal thought crossed in my mind.
But now it's different. Though the condition is quite overwhelmed, I've got back my once lost passion and motivation. These things that have kept me going. These are hybrid ones, differ from mine while still being an employee. It's a passion and motivation tested by time and hard works, with many adjustments accompanied by sweat, tears, and many series of domestic fights and argumentations with my husbands. With these new ones, I'm a tougher one, with much more realistic view of this imperfect life and flexibly adjust my attitude accordingly.
Every time I become pessimistic, I always remember this story:
One man who never experiences school is selling hot dogs at the corner of one street. The hot dogs is selling well, because he always assures that his customers get the best hot dogs from him. He only sells hot dogs with thick buns and meats. He has the poster on his booth that promoting his hot dogs. 'Good price, for a meaty jumbo hot dogs!' it says. His customers just keep coming back, longing for his hot dogs.
The business is so good that he can send his son go to college. He want his son gets the proper education, so he won't be like him who never taste a college. One day his son comes home for a holiday. During a family dinner, he asked his father, 'How's the business going? Don't you know there's a global economic recession? It seems that everyone has a financial crisis now.' He never read a newspaper, he's not too good at reading. Beside, he's too busy with his business to have his own free time. But his son, is educated and literate to the current economic situation, so he believes him. 'I must make some adjustment accordingly' he thinks.
Then he makes his hot dogs thinner so he can cut the cost and sell it cheaper. He is also put down the poster thinking is not relevant anymore with his hot dogs now and never bother to put the new one. He thinks people is in financial trouble anyway that promotion is not needed. The regular customers then find that his hot dogs are not as big and thick as before. They are very upset and stops visiting his booth to buy. The sales suddenly deep dive drastically. And it's what he said to his son, 'Son, you're right, we're in a global economic recession.'
So, the war is not over, I know, but it's still just too soon to raise a white flag.
Friday, March 20, 2009
A Black Day
Yesterday I woke up in anger and depression. I had this bad bad dream that kept coming up everytime I have some problems in my life. This kind of bad dream always managed to make me feeling guilty and stupid for decision I've made in my life, that I chose to use my heart instead my head. The decision that result in my misery right now. I hated everything, blamed anyone, and drowned in the hole of negativism, as if there's no future, no light at all.
And it tainted almost my whole day. My innocent husband became My Victim No.1. He unfortunately ticked my emotion by asking something about the job. Basically not a so patient person, he's quite pissed by my reaction. But, he's already lived with me for so many days. And he knew that it's not the first day his wife had this kind of mood swing. So he patiently waited the black cloud to go away.
He's right. In the afternoon, I've gained my optimism back. I didn't know how. I thought my first smile mistakenly made had repaired all damages. My husband happily embraced the happy version of his wife. And everything was suddenly just getting better and better. In the evening, the anger and depression just went away. I just felt very tired. Being in bad mood drained my energy.
I think it's silly, being upset for a very weak reason. How can I, the person who trust reason more than emotion can get into this kind of situation? During the depression, I worked very hard getting rid all the blue mood, but it just didn't work. Only when I gave up to repair the damage then I can get back my happiness.
Maybe sometimes I really get a very bad day and can't do anything about it. What I can do is only praying and waiting all the bads will go away, and hopefully not hurting anyone during the wait.
And it tainted almost my whole day. My innocent husband became My Victim No.1. He unfortunately ticked my emotion by asking something about the job. Basically not a so patient person, he's quite pissed by my reaction. But, he's already lived with me for so many days. And he knew that it's not the first day his wife had this kind of mood swing. So he patiently waited the black cloud to go away.
He's right. In the afternoon, I've gained my optimism back. I didn't know how. I thought my first smile mistakenly made had repaired all damages. My husband happily embraced the happy version of his wife. And everything was suddenly just getting better and better. In the evening, the anger and depression just went away. I just felt very tired. Being in bad mood drained my energy.
I think it's silly, being upset for a very weak reason. How can I, the person who trust reason more than emotion can get into this kind of situation? During the depression, I worked very hard getting rid all the blue mood, but it just didn't work. Only when I gave up to repair the damage then I can get back my happiness.
Maybe sometimes I really get a very bad day and can't do anything about it. What I can do is only praying and waiting all the bads will go away, and hopefully not hurting anyone during the wait.
