Ugly Duckling

She said that if buying new shoes, new jeans, and holiday trip can make her happy, then it's worthy done. And this is the situation: her shoes collections already conquered 80% of the shoes rooms. She just bought a pair of new jeans just few weeks before. And she's also just back from a holiday trip about a month ago. Splurge, splurge, and splurge, it's the way she run her life.

If only the her parents don't think that she's the swan while her brother aka. my husband the ugly duckling, I won't bother her habit, really. The fact that they think their obnoxious big spender daughter is so perfect and their responsible thoughtful son is worthless makes me sick. Like my husband always said, in the end, it's not how much you earn, it's how much you've saved.

Now I know why I can't connect to her and her family. We have very different ways of life.

Amnesia

Saya masih agak bete sih, belum sepenuhnya pulih dari deraan stress 2 minggu terakhir ini. Saya masih agak 'marah' ke orang-orang lain dan juga diri sendiri. Tapi yah mungkin benar yang dibilang pepatah, roda itu selalu berputar. Kalau sudah di titik terendah tak lama lagi pasti naik. Setelah superbete selama 2 minggu, akhirnya saya capek juga. Baru deh pikiran agak jernih. Baru deh timbul pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang lebih konstruktif, bukan destruktif.

Dengan pikiran yang lumayan jernih dan hati yang lebih lega, saya jadi ingat waktu saya SMA dulu. Waktu SMA kelas 1, saya sudah tahu kalau nantinya mau ambil jurusan seni rupa. Sementara saya benci sekali pelajaran eksak. Berarti masih 3 tahun lagi saya harus berhadapan dengan mata pelajaran yang selain saya benci juga akhirnya akan mubazir karena saya toh mau masuk seni rupa. Tapi saya saat itu, bisa sangat dewasa. Saya bertekad untuk melakukan yang terbaik. Suka atau tidak, toh tetap harus saya hadapi selama 3 tahun. Jadi tinggal saya pilih sendiri, mau menghadapinya dengan sebaik mungkin, atau cuek dan tidak peduli. Kalau saya melakukan yang terbaik, nothing to lose, anggap saja test terhadap diri sendiri. Tapi kalau cuek dan tidak peduli, bisa dipastikan saya akan menderita selama 3 tahun itu. Nilai saya akan jelek, saya tambah benci pada mata pelajaran itu, dan yang paling berat adalah rasa telah berkhianat kepada diri sendiri, karena tahu tidak melakukan yang terbaik.

Ingatan saya ke masa itu membuat saya sadar kalau selama ini saya cenderung memperhitungkan mengapa saya tidak memperoleh prestasi seperti dulu, tapi lupa mempertahankan karakter yang membuat saya bisa berprestasi. Dulu saya punya mental pantang menyerah, selalu mengusahakan yang terbaik untuk setiap tantangan. Beda sekali dengan sekarang, saya saat ini lebih sering menyalahkan orang lain ketimbang memperbaiki diri. Sibuk menyalahkan orang lain telah membuat saya terinjak-injak oleh problem saya sendiri yang akhirnya menggerus kesehatan batin saya.

Dulu saya juga punya sikap tidak peduli apa kata orang. Kalau saya mau sesutau, saya akan maju untuk mengambilnya. Seperti waktu papa bilang supaya saya tidak kerja ke Jakarta. Saya marah, saya protes, dan akhirnya saya bisa pergi. Kebalikannya dengan sekarang. Omongan papa, walaupun banyak benarnya, tidak saya filter lagi. Seperti kasus kemarin, saya mengambil nasihat orang lain, bulat-bulat, padahal yang dimintai nasihat tidak ada di tempat saya untuk mengalami kejadian harian saya.

Kekeliruan ini membuat saya berpikir, mungkin tanpa sadar, saya telah mengerdilkan diri saya sendiri selama beberapa tahun ini. Saya jadi kesepian, ketakutan, dan kehilangan semua kepercayaan diri saya. Saya terlalu melibatkan diri, berempati terlalu dalam ke masalah keluarga suami saya yang memang kekurangan rasa hormat dan dukungan satu sama lain. Pendeknya, saya terbawa atmosfer negatif keluarganya. Saya jadi lupa, siapa diri saya sebenarnya. Belum lagi suami saya yang cenderung pemaksa dan 'menjajah'. Saya harus terus memperkuat diri saya untuk lebih berani mengutarakan isi hati dan pikiran saya.

Jadi selama ini, saya memang mengalami amnesia kepribadian....

In Working

Once my client who is a wedding photographer, said to me this, 'My clients usually become my friends. It's our way of doing business.' I nodded, agreed with what he said. I love to befriend with my clients, usually a nice and friendly client like him, whose presence only can brighten the day. Who doesn't want to be liked by anyone? Beside that, pasrt of me doesn't like conflict. Being in conflict with anyone is a thing I usually avoid at any cost.

The agreeable nodding girl is me, about 3 years ago, before starting my own business. Three years in running this business, I learnt a totally different rules from the friendship rules. You can't be simply too close, to nice, too care, or even too helpful to your client. While in friendship it's great to give more, it will backfire you when applied to business. Because sooner or later, there some clients who assume your good will as a weakness. And they will happily exploit it!

I have these two clients whom I lost my respect and sympathy totally. The first one, a woman, has a very bad attitude and disorganized project planning that it's almost impossible to communicate as civilized human with her. She always insist others to understand her, to follow her deadline, and to sympathize with her problems but lack the ability and good will to work as a team in handle the matters. At the beginning of our project, I naively helpful to her, being a good listener to her problem, and always available (even till midnight!), to help her catch the tight deadline caused by her bad management. But all of them didn't make her respect us. It just made her think us were easily exploited. She spared a convenient time for other team members (who disdained her, even scolded her) and only spare a very tight time for us to catch up the deadline. And she scolded us when we said we need more time. That's why we learnt our first lesson. Sometimes it's better not being nice to your client.

The second one is a spoil whining girl trapped in the body of 50 something man. Actually he's a successful businessman. He complimented us for being proactive and punctual. We tried our best to help him with all we've got. We even help him correct his spelling that's not our responsibility. But at one point he got stressed out because we kept remind him up about the deadline. Suddenly he becomes so sensitive on matters that only cared by woman who gets PMS. He said we pushed him too much. He's also accused us for things that's not our responsibility, said that because we didn't help him, he must works hard to finish the materials. Our biggest regret is we give him a way too cheap design fee (our friend who introduce us asked a favour to give him the good price). So the second lesson is it's better not being generous to client. It's better to give as little as possible first, so you have a back up resources later to give, IF necessary.

Lately I also promises to myself to separate my work to my life. The works kept coming but my life can't be turned back. In these latest 3 months I worked like crazy and unconsciously neglected my husband, my family, my friend, even myself. I felt my life is become all works and never plays. I even forget what has happened in the last 3 months because my life was so routine, that everyday all looks the same. What if I was to die tomorrow? I must regret for I've done nothing meaningful enough to memorize.

So, these are just little steps to achieve the bigger goal, keeping the balance in my life. But I hope in a long time, it will help me a lot to maintain my sanity. Here's my new rules on working:

1. My working time is 9.00-6.00. Phone and sms before and after won't be replied.

2. Saturday and Sunday are holiday. Time for me, family, and friend. No phone and sms from client will be replied.

3. Being too nice and too helpful to clients is stupid. Giving as little as possible. So it's easier to give them favour later.

4. Sometimes being a little bit dumb and numb is good.

5. To ask a fair price and downpayment before working.

Quit

My sister had just finished her relationship with her two years boyfriend. Her boyfriend chosen his independence to pursue his dream over a marriage to her. It's a pity I once thought they were so compatible, both in a hobby and the way they live this life. However, later I learnt that it's my sister was who gave more and more while her boyfriend took more and more. I never heard any sacrifices her boyfriend did for her, instead, I heard it was her who aligned her dream and life to his.

To be honest, I can't fully blame this selfish man... The first mistake my sister has made is she doesn't have any plan or vision how to build her own independent life. She once said to me, since her boyfriend was quite good at his job and was on his way to promotion abroad, she would love to quit her job to follow him and became a full time housewife. She was just simply planned her life around her relationship, a relationship that had no guarantee to last. Then, when the relationship is no longer exist, it was her whom's hurt worse than her boyfriend, who consistently being selfish to pursue his dream and demands other to follow him.

This man now flaunts about his relieving independence in the Facebook notes. Very insensitive. I thought he just doesn't respect my sister writing such a note in the site since my sister has an access to his note. It just like as if he is really happy to be freed. Long before this, I was quit annoyed by his notes who potrayed himself as a mature and positive person while I knew from my sister that actually he is totally an opposite an immature selfish person.

And here my sister again, made the second mistake. She shared her breakdown publicly in this site too. So in the site people can watch the crying-ruined-woman and the strong-positive-full-of-dream man. I thought it's a bad publicity for her. If she was my 'real' sister, I will said to her to get rid all the whines and cries, and start to plan her own life. No need to waste tears for a narcisstic guy like him (and ugly, too :P)

But she is not my real sister. She is living in a family where what the people say is very important. Her family style is literally digest what people say and assume that what they hear is the truth. It's very naive since many people just say and think differently. So it's very important for her to hear good supporting words in her public account, though it means his boyfriend has an access to her downslide.

It's sad, I sympathize with her. But it's totally unwise and not an elegant way to quit.

Keajaiban dalam Doa

Sebagai manusia, kita sering merasa kecewa dan putus pengharapan karena masalah dan ujian yang bertubi-tubi dalam hidup kita. Kita merasa tidak berdaya dan ketidakberdayaan itu membuat kita juga 'marah' pada Tuhan. Kita menyalahkan Dia karena 'meninggalkan' kita sehingga kita harus mengalami penderitaan yang membuat kita sedih dan susah.

Hal seperti inilah yang terjadi pada saya. Saya 'marah' pada Dia karena saya menilai hidup saya sekarang saya nilai jauh dari harapan saya. Saya melampiaskan marah saya itu dengan malas berdoa pada dia. Saya pikir berhari-hari tidak berdoa tidak akan ada efeknya. Memangnya apa yang sudah Dia beri pada saya? Toh hidup saya begini-begini saja. Tidak ada bedanya berdoa atau tidak berdoa.

Hingga kemarin, saya memperoleh hari yang cukup buruk karena seseorang. Saya sangat alergi pada orang yang logikanya mati, agresif, dan suka berteriak-teriak. Bicara dengan orang seperti itu sama saja berbicara dengan tembok. BIasanya saya jauhi orang-orang seperti itu. Sayangnya orang ini adalah klien saya. Mau tak mau, saya harus melayani dia dengan segala kekurangannya itu. Seakan hari itu memang sudah ditakdirkan untuk terus menjadi gelap, kekesalan saya pada klien itu ditambah lagi dengan kelakuan suami. Bukannya menjadi pendengar dan pendukung yang baik, dia malah sibuk mengkritik saya, tentang bagaimana saya salah dalam bersikap kepada dia sehingga klien tersebut berkelakuan demikian pada saya. Seakan mengkritik saja belum cukup, dia menambahkan dengan konfrontasi hal-hal lain.

Saat itu ucapan dia sangat melukai hati saya. Saya jadi berpikir kepada siapa saya harus mengadu kalau suami sendiri saja ikut memarahi. Jadi saya pendam semua dalam hati, mencoba menenangkan diri. Saya terus mencoba untuk berpikir rasional, kalau semua hanya urusan bisnis, tidak ada yang personal. Saya juga meredam emosi saya dengan mencoba mengerti kelakuan suami saya itu, yang memang di keluarganya tidak ada bahasa cinta kata-kata pendukung. Saya mencoba terus dan terus untuk tidak menangis karena sedih.

Tapi toh akhirnya air mata saya jatuh juga. Dada rasanya sesak sekali. Saya menangis di kamar mandi supaya tidak ada yang tahu. Saya pikir menangis itu lemah. Saya tidak mau dikritik lagi oleh suami kalau saya bodoh karena menangis akibat kelakuan klien saya itu. Dan karena kemarin sore saya harus meeting, saya usahakan menangis hanya sebentar supaya mata tidak bengkak. Sehabis tersedu-sedu, saya segera mandi untuk pergi meeting dengan klien itu.

Pulang dari meeting, saya sudah lebih tenang. Saya utarakan kepada suami saya kalau saya tidak suka dengan e-mail dari klien saya dan berpikir untuk membalasnya dengan kata-kata yang tidak enak juga. Tapi saya pikir ulang buat apa, toh saya sudah berencana untuk tidak berhubungan lagi dengan dia. Proyek saya ini yang terakhir. Tapi tanggapan dia lagi-lagi menyakiti saya. Dia bilang saya tidak bisa selamanya begitu, kadang-kadang harus mengajak bertengkar. Dan saya boleh menolak proyek itu kalau sudah punya banyak uang.

Jawaban dia membuat saya ingin menangis lagi. Buat saya kemarin, dia sedang tidak menjadi suami yang baik dengan segala kearoganannya itu. Jadi saya diam saja, malas sekali biacara pada dia. Sebenarnya saya bodoh juga, terus menerus berharap dia bisa jadi sandaran saya. Maksud saya, orang seperti itu, apa yang kamu harap dari orang yang tidak punya empati?

Akhirnya saya berdoa, sebelum tidur, minta Tuhan angkat semua beban saya. Saya tidak tahu bagaimana caranya. Saya hanya menyerahkan diri pada Dia, minta tolong sentuhan-Nya supaya saya ditenangkan. Saya kemudian mencoba tidur, dengan mata basah dan pikiran kalut. Mendadak saja pikiran saya seperti dibelokan ke arah lain. Saya jadi memikirkan bagaimana pekerjaan-pekerjaan saya lainnya bisa diselesaikan. Di kepala saya banyak ide, tentang langkah-langkah yang harus diambil. Saya jadi lebih bersemangat, dan rasa sedih di dada hilang begitu saja. Rasanya mendadak enteng sekali. Padahal seharian saya mencoba dengan kekuatan sendiri dan saya tidak bisa. Tuhan telah menurunkan berkat-Nya atas saya, Berkat Penyembuhan.

Hari ini lagi-lagi Tuhan menunjukkan pendampingan-Nya. Hari ini saya kerja ke daerah Kota. Saya selesai kerja jam 6 sore, saat orang-orang pulang kantor. Hari ini hari Jumat pula, dimana para karyawan kantor bersiap untuk bersenang-senang setelah lima hari kerja. Bawaan saya cukup banyak dan berharga pula. Ada laptop, external hardisk, dan barang-barang berharga lain. Saya pikir pasti susah sekali mencari taxi. Biasanya saya paling malas meminta tolong. Tapi hari ini saya seperti digerakkan untuk bertanya ke partner kerja saya di Kota itu di mana tempat paling mudah mencari taxi. Dia menunjukkan arah yang saya tidak tahu di mana itu. Saya sudah berpikir untuk nanti saja saya cari bagaimanapun caranya. Dalam hati saya berdoa, tolong Tuhan mudahkan saya untuk memperolah taxi. Ternyata partner kerja saya itu malah berbaik hati mengantarkan saya ke tempat strategis untuk mencari taxi, bahkan mencegatkan taxi untuk saya. Hanya dalam waktu 5 menit saya sudah memperoleh taxi Bluebird.

Kedua kejadian tersebut adalah keajaiban kecil yang membuat saya terharu sekaligus menyadarkan saya. Ternyata Tuhan mendengarkan doa saya. Sayalah yang seringkali tidak percaya kekuatan doa. Tidak yakin kalau doa saya akan dijawab. Sebelum berdoa sudah berpikir, 'yah mungkin dikabulkan, mungkin tidak, kalau Tuhan sedang mau saja mengabulkan'. Padahal Tuhan akan mengabulkan, kalau kita yakin dan berserah. Sayalah yang harus percaya adanya keajaiban dalam doa yang penuh iman.

Saya juga disadarkan akan berlimpahnya berkat di sekitar saya.Sayalah yang seringkali tidak cukup peka untuk mengenali berkat itu. Contohnya, suami saya. Saya bisa memilih untuk fokus pada kekurangpekaan dia dan ketidakmampuannya untuk berempati; atau memilih untuk fokus pada kebaikannya seperti menyiapkan saya makan pagi dan bekal untuk saya bawa pagi tadi, belaian dan pelukan di saat saya lelah bekerja, setumpuk seterikaaan yang dia ambil alih karena melihat saya sibuk. Dia juga tidak pernah mengeluh bangun pagi setiap Sabtu untuk mengantar saya, tidak sekalipun. Kalau partner kerja yang mengantarkan saya mencari taxi saja saya anggap baik sekali sehingga saya merasa perlu menceritakan hal itu pada suami saya, lantas apakah suami saya sendiri tak layak untuk mendapat pujian juga untuk kebaikannya setiap hari? Dia adalah berkat dalam hidup saya, sayalah yang terlalu angkuh untuk mengakui berkat itu karena saya menuntut Tuhan untuk memberikan berkat persis seperti gambaran ideal saya.

Padahal Tuhan lebih tahu apa yang baik menurut kita belum tentu terbaik buat kita. Hal positif atau negatif dalam hidup kita, semua sudah Tuhan atur, untuk menghasilkan racikan yang terbaik pada setiap individu. Hal baik terus menerus membuat kita tidak lagi bersyukur. Sementara hal buruk terus menerus juga akan membutakan mata akan cahaya. Mungkin hidup saya sekarang sedang ada di bawah. Tapi saya selalu yakin, semua ada tujuannya, semua ada maksudnya, dan saya tidak sendirian. Ada Tuhan di samping saya. Saya cuma perlu melakukan hal-hal yang harus saya lakukan dengan keyakinan besar, kalau Dia yang akan menangani sisanya.

Thanks My Dear God, to know you is my greatest blessing in my life.

Fatigue

Ngga biasanya nih badan lemes seharian. Dari bangun tidur udah berasa kepala berat, badan lemes, dan ngantuk terus. Biasanya cuma lemes bentar terus menjelang sore jadi segeran. Emang udah berasa badan di umur kepala 3 ini udah ngga sekuat dulu staminanya. Dulu waktu kepala 2, pernah ngga tidur ampir 2hari dan cuma berasa ngantuk aja. Tapi sekarang, begadang semalem aja bisa berantakan kondisinya.

Tadinya saya pikir cuma lelah biasa. Minggu saya ngga ke mana-mana, ngurusin cucian baju dan ngejar deadline sampai malem juga sih. Mungkin ada kontribusi dari Minggu yang engga istirahat. Tapi mungkin juga saya lagi mau flu. Abis gejalanya mirip kalo lagi mau sakit, lemes seharian yang ngga ilang walaupun udah minum kopi dan tidur bentar.

Kepala masih berat, maunya tidur, dan capek banget. Duh, semoga jangan sakit, kerjaan lagi numpuk ngga ada waktu buat tepar...

A Dubious Client

She is usually one of our favourite clients. We do a year contract for her monthly need of promotion. She is not demanding and rarely interferes our design process. As long as the output design fulfill the functional need of her promotion, everything comes smooth for both of us.

But, she has these partners, a kind like a passive partners who usually not involve in running the business, but sometimes come out and comment this and that. And strangely, she is really afraid of them. Once the partners said that the design fee paid to us for monthly promotion to us is too high, only for 'such a simple layout.' Under the pressure, she called us to discontinue the contract and switch to by-project deal. We noted her that it would be far more expensive if she did like that. Finally, she stayed with the contract instead. It was the first time we have a friction, caused by her meeting with her fellow 'respective' partners.

And then come the second time, again, triggered by the same partners. This time the partners complained her why the design outputs looked similar one to another. Well, it's why it's called an Identity, so yours is recognized for its special appearance. Beside that, there is a pictures problem. She is so reluctant to take a new pics and uses the same pics over and over to in all her materials. But her partners, rarely involved in the process, said they are bored with this. Unfortunately, my client who is supposed to know the process, already known what Identity is, and also her fault for not producing new pics, just kept her mouth silent and chosen to complain us instead. She doesn't care whether her partners are bored with the pics or the layouts.

Now, I'm the one who gets bored with her attitude. One day she said she loves the design, only to complain the same design to be boring another day. Well, I think she is so lack of self respect. She is the one who sweats to set an Identity for her business but so easily got down by her partners who accused her work is unworthy. In my opinion, she passively accepts an accusation that she had made a bad decision.

Unfortunately, I'm not interested to work for someone with the decision we can't trust. Months forward, our deal ended. I don't feel I want to continue it.

Ngga Ada Ide (lagi)

Ada kerjaan profil perusahaan di tangan yang sebenarnya kesempatan bagus buat unjuk gigi karena ada kebebasan berkreasi dan budget, selama ngga jor-joran banget. Tapiii, yah namanya manusia, koq mood saya tidak mau diajak kerja sama.

Bawaannya malesss, lesss, less... Inspirasi juga minus...

Biasanya sebelum kerjaan dimulai suka ada gambaran kurang lebihnya di kepala, ntar di depan komputer tinggal dituangkan saja. Ini koq kering kerontang. Udah dibawa tidur, supaya laci-laci otak bersih dan bisa keluar ide. Udah dibawa nyantai, pakai ngemil supaya lebih relax. Udah juga diseling kerjaan lain, dari nyuci baju sampe desain undangan. Hasilnya? Tetep ngga mengalir dengan lancar seperti biasa.

Tanda-tanda penurunan kemampuan berkreasi? Semoga engga, semoga ini cuma jenuh. Bosen nih sama Jakarta, pengen liat gunung, pengen liat pantai, pengen liat suasana yang beda. Cuma yah gitu, ironisnya, di saat ngga ada kerjaan, waktu banyak, tapi jadi ngga berani keluar-keluar supaya irit. Di saat ada uang, ngga ada waktu buat jalan-jalan, sibuk ampir tiap hari.

Bos saya pernah bilang, "Ntar kamu kalo udah 30-an lebih enak, kamu udah settled, tau mau ngapain." Huuu, settled apanya, yang ada lebih morat-marit daripada waktu 20-an, waktu jaman main semuanya masih indah, ngga usah terlalu serius mikirin masa depan. FYI, sekarang saya baru nyadar, ya iyalah bos saya itu settled, wong dari kecil aja udah kaya, aka. dia emang udah settled dari kecil.

Kondisi ngga ide gini selalu bikin stress. Apalagi satu kerjaan baru masuk, bukan yg ecek-ecek lagi, buku 400 halaman! Huaaa, saya tambah panik. Karena semua kerjaan bikin sendiri, tiap kerjaan rata-rata cuma punya jatah 1-2 hari. Nah ini kerjaan profil perusahaan udah macet 2 hari. Harus ngapain yah supaya jalan lagi?

Tadi temen telpon, ngajak begabung lagi ke keanggotaan organisasi desain. Waduhhh, ngga mikir dulu deh. Sekarang fokus saya mau bikin jaya cashflow. Selama cashflow belum gemuk, ngga mikir deh ngerjain amal kaya gitu. Lagian secara alami, saya juga jadi ngga begitu tertarik ke segala sesuatu yang ngga berbau duit, kecuali, exclusively, buat beberapa orang yang sudah membantu saya banyak dan temen dekat dari dulu. Selain itu, engga dulu.

Urusan bayi juga, duhhh, ngga semangat deh. Buat bulanan juga kita pas-pasan, ntar dikasih makan apa... Belum lagi kalo mamanya sibuk di depan komputer, siapa yang jagain? Lagian, saya juga ngga mau kehilangan masa kecil anak karena terlalu sibuk cari duit buat popoknya. Hidup seperti apa itu.

Yah gitu deh, siklus kaya gini selalu berulang. Ngga ada ide dan kemudian stress. Yah makananannya desainer, terutama desainer yang harus mendesain buat uang, not designing for the design sake :P

Suddenly Busy

Suddenly my schedule is full this month. We have several tandem projects in progress, a mix of real money projects, pro-bono projects, and prospected projects. I'm quite overwhelmed to fit them all into my tight schedule. We have a talk to hire someone to be my assistant, but our financial condition still hasn't stable enough to have such a regular overhead.

Yesterday we had a visit to one of my friend's brother who want to design some promotional materials for his office, a creative consultant. He has been in the business for ten years. We learn some lessons from him, something you wouldn't get at school, stuffs learnt through your street-smart experiences. I'm kind of projecting ourselves to be like him in ten years from now, but, we want to be better than him, of course, though our current condition still have a long way to go to be settled.

One of our client, an advertising agency called us yesterday. We used to do an annual report for them, except this year when the financial turmoil happens. They offered us a layout job for a newsletter for their client. Unfortunately, the price didn't meet our expectation. Since we are pretty packed right now, we don't want to lower our price. It's the second time we declined their project because of the fee.

This week my hubby called one of our clients, asked about his long delayed projects and payments. He has several on going projects deals with us, most of them are the book projects. The down payment usually comes pretty easy, paid before the job was started. In the beginning of this year we worked hard for him so he can display his books on this big exhibition. Actually, we don't have to be in this rush if he didn't disappear for months before. But, with a good will, we successfully fulfilled our promised on time. However after the exhibition, he again disappeared for months, didn't answered our calls or our messages, left us with unfinished deals and payment. Last week he suddenly appeared, again to ask for a hurry finishing.

We don't like the way his doing in business, unable to be relied on time and responsibility matters. That's why my husband asked for a full payment for the unfinished jobs so incase he dissappears again, it won't matter for us. Beside that, we think if he already paid the jobs, he would be more committed to the projects. Honestly, it's flashed in our mind that he's possible to be a little bit shocked or snapped asked for a full payment while the jobs still haven't finished yet. But we think, it's a price if you can't hold others's trust. It's nothing personally, it's just business.

In the middle of this projects buzz, I'll strive to compile our portfolios for our marketing tools. One of our biggest mistake is we never promote our services. How can people hire you if they even don't realize that you're exist?

Color Quiz Result

Your Existing Situation
Feels there are barriers between herself and the essential things she desires.

Your Stress Sources
"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics
Giving more than she is getting back and feels misunderstood and unappreciated. Feels she is being forced into compromising and even her close relationships leave her feeling emotional distant. His arrogance causes her to take offense quickly. Only those closest to her know deep down she is sensitive and sentimental.

Your Desired Objective
"Seeking an escape from the things that are bringing her down, but is clinging to false hopes and pipe dreams."

Your Actual Problem
"Feeling unimportant in this current situation, and is looking for different conditions where she will be able to better prove her worth and importance."

It's funny. I didn't take this quiz seriously but the result is pretty accurate.

http://www.colorquiz.com/quiz.php

The Closure

This blog is full of me whined about my parents in-law, how their habits annoyed me much and ruined my daily routine from morning to night. I was unfair to them, actually, for telling only their 'bad' side. I once read stories of others have problems with their in-law parents. And you know what... compared to their devilish ones, my parents in-law is like angels, especially my mother in-law who is very caring and loving to all her family, including me, her daughter in-law.

Once when I was very busy working on my project, she helped me ironed all my laundries that had made her sweat much for Jakarta was very hot that day. My father in-law, beside the fact that nobody in this family that really understands him, is a kind guy, actually. He really loves food. Enjoying the gastronomic variations from day to day is one of the reasons he lives in this world. So he always assures his wife and children, even his dog to have food abundantly. Every morning, while I'm still living between two worlds, my conscious and unconscious world, it's his voice offering me a breakfast (yes, beside that regular noise pollutant, the TV).

In addition to their kindness, they never once mess with my personal problem with my husband. They respect our privacy. My mother in-law had her own bad experience with her mother in-law, who thought her son (adopted son) aka. my mother in-law's husband is like bank, conveniently asked for money or present. She complained a lot to her husband only to find that her husband was not on her side. Maybe this dreadful experience that has made her a great mother in-law, knows her boundaries and keeps a good relationship with me.

Now you know they are really kind isn't? How can you hate such a caring and nurturing people like them? And this exactly why I'm tormented being in the same home with them. It's a constant fighting inside me to acknowledge them as good people but hate them for being so noisy and mindless. In case they are bad people, it's so easy to be bitchy and complaining. But they are not.

Many times when my mood was ruined because of their 'weird' manners and I want to rage, suddenly my mother in-law acts innocently caring by offering me dinner or checking my condition. At this point I always think I must bury my complaint deeper, shut my mouth, and try so hard to neutralize all my anger. And this happens almost everyday, means I have this emotional struggle over and over that consume much of my energy and mind. And this really really tiring...

At the present time I just try to shut my mouth up for us still haven't any other options since we're in the middle of financial struggle. Furthermore, I can't change them either since it's their home and those are habits nurtured since their early years. What I can change is myself. I have to find the way to live with them peacefully because judging in our condition, I guess we still have to live with them in a couple of years ahead :(

Love and Pain

This morning my sister woke up with swollen eyes. She cried yesterday because his boyfriend said he still thinking whether he still wanted their relationship or not (he has already said the sama statement twice before). It has hurt her feeling deeply since the marriage has already been in their plan for the last couple of months. But her boyfriend, younger about two years, seemed reluctant to end his single status. Read his blogs and we'll find he still has so many dreams to explore and sadly marriage is not his priority. My affection goes to my sister. She is kind, loving, and full of energy. To see her in such a heartbreaking moment has risen my sympathy.

Her boyfriend shows that he's still not mature enough to have a relationship with a woman. What kind of man who can publicly wrote romantically online about the relationship and then talk such a statement later? How her boyfriend treats her is a totally opposite from what my husband's. From the moment we begun our relationship, I never once doubt his feeling to me. Inside his rather quite aggressive personalities like easily got pissed of or talking in a loud voice, he gives me his 100% commitment for me during our relationship. He never shows any hesitation in pouring me with his affection and always being there everytime I need him. A statement like, 'I'm not quite sure I still want in this relationship' never said in our history.

Yes, our relationship is not immune of the threat of separation. Once, while planning our wedding, we had this big fight that I thought I couldn't stand anymore his aggressive behaviour. And he said to me that we'd better cancel the wedding if I suffered being with him. But at that time, I've already loved him much and thought I couldn't imagine living without him. So here I am, being his wife now. And twice, when we had married, we had another big fight. He just so angry that he said we'd better separate (again). I was so fed up with his inability to control his emotion that the word of separation was so easily threw out from his mouth. I said to him that he didn't think this marriage as a lifetime commitment that he had been so easily used a divorce as a threat everytime we fought. FYI, I never use this word no matter how angry I am. I think this word, 'divorce' is like a condemnation word that best used when you really mean it.

And it's what he has done after the fights that differs him from the other irresponsible men in this world. He's not only says sorry to me, hug me, and wipe my tears, but also CHANGES. He shows me he cares with my feeling by being a better person for me. He has improves a lot from himself at the beginning of our relationship. I'm very proud of him because he does what he has to do. He's not a type of saccharine sweets man who talks romantically, but he shows his love by doing what needed to do by a great husband. For example, today I'm very busy and he does the ironing though it's my job. Or he never eats the last cake before assured that I don't want it. It's a small things in everyday life that's underestimated by many husband but valued by an exhausted wife.

Sometimes, when I got angry with him, I thought, why I want to be with this man, this fury ball who easily blown up by his own rage? How fool I am to stay with this bomb. But then I realized that it's his only flaw in compared to his great husband materials such as 100% love, responsibily, commitment, unselfishness, plus the ability to accept one's failure and changes. These are the qualities I considered when I chose him as my husband beside his imperfection. And I'm quite lucky since these qualities even improving when he's already been my husband.

So, in observing my circumstances, compared to the love life of my sister, I may happily and surely say, 'Yes, I'm a proud and lucky wife to have him as my Great Husband.'

Summary of April

Lagi ngga terlalu bersemangat menulis, tapi perlu dicatat untuk pembelajaran.

Bulan ini mungkin agak sibuk, baru mungkin... Ada 3 buku masuk, walaupun baru 1 saja yang pasti jadi. Yang 2 lagi masih dalam proses pengajuan dan pencarian sponsor. Rasanya senang & bersyukur sekali karena lebih baik stress karena banyak kerjaan daripada stress karena sepi. Saya dan suami bersiap-siap untuk bulan yang sibuk ini dengan optimisme.

Perjalanan ke Jogja melelahkan sekali tapi sekaligus juga inspiratif dan membuka cakrawala berpikir saya. Di Jogja saya menemukan atmosfer yang berbeda dari Jakarta, lebih nyeni, tenteram, bahkan agak sedikit meditatif karena aktivitas kotanya yang cenderung lambat dan santai. Kalau ada kesempatan ke Jogja lagi, saya akan dengan senang hati mengunjungi kota itu lagi. Lain halnya dengan Semarang. Mungkin karena kunjungan yang singkat, saya merasa kota ini agak miskin kultur. Saya hanya agak terkejut melihat Semarang yang ternyata cukup modern mengingat cerita teman Semarang saya yang selalu mengatakan Semarang tidak ada apa-apa.

Saya juga bertemu & berkenalan dengan beberapa teman seniman yang antusiasme dan kenakalan idenya seperti tidak ada habisnya. Saya bertemu dengan mereka lagi kemarin, kebetulan mereka berpameran di Jakarta. Saya kagum dengan cara berpikir mereka, yang bisa melihat berbagai kemungkinan dan terinspirasi dari berbagai macam hal.

Yang pasti, pulang dari perjalanan ini, saya merasa lebih bersemangat dalam bekerja, lebih disiplin dan efisien. Mungkin harus sering jalan-jalan yah.

Secara batiniah, awal tahun 2009 ini cukup baik. Tapi secara finansial, saya masih berdarah-darah. Saya sedang dalam proses merapikan perusahaan. Sayangnya suami agak kurang antusias, saya sedang mencari tahu kenapa karena bagaimanapun ini perusahaan kami, saya memerlukan dia.

Hate to Hate

I hate myself for hating him. He's not such a f*** bastard that deserved to be so despicable. He doesn't hit her wife nor abandons his children. That's why I hate myself for hating him. But I can't stand living with him. He's so stupid, oh God, I rarely found somebody as dumb as him. When he talks, he reminds me of a comedian named Bolot, known for his utmost stupidity. The words and intonation, and even the gestures, so similar to Bolot, except, Bolot is acting, and he doesn't.

Since our house is quite small, everything he does will be unintentionally overheard or overlooked by me. And that stressed me out since I can't logically understand his deeds for nothing of his is reasonable for me. He had once being a victim of credit card fraud because of his arrogance and dull witted. Once he got a phone call said that he got money for winning some kind of lottery. He already knows it's a fraud. But he still followed the instructions, said he only want to know how this kind of cheat was done. His wife had already warned him not to waste his time for such a nonsense. But he is so arrogant that he declined to hear her, closed his ears and went right away to the nearest ATM instead. And this idiotic person ended up losing his 5 millions for a fraud that he has acknowledged before. Double stupidities!

And, maybe, because he's so lack of intelligence, he's so afraid people underestimate him. If you talk to him, it's like there's nothing he doesn't know. He talks as if he knows everything. He even talks before listens. Once my husband, so pissed of by his manner, scolded him said this, 'God give you not only mouth, but ears. Use them!' It's quite rude, I know. But he's so abominable that I'm kind of understand why my husband angry to him. And surprisingly, he even doesn't know why his children don't like him and choosing to side with their mother instead of him. Furthermore, he blamed his wife, said it was her influence that has made his children don't want to talk to him.

Oh, blamed this small house again, sometimes I accidentally stay near him while watching TV or eating (I prefer not, but it's a small house). To hear his trash comments about how fat or how big the legs of the women on TV is already makes me feel nauseous. But he ticked my anger when he started to compared me to his daughter, said 'Can you speak in front of many audiences? My daughter can' or 'Oh, you can't sing? My daughter can. It's just because she doesn't want to sing anymore that she stops.' Oh, please, give me a break. It's like a kindergarten kids has a conversation with their peers. Being heard from a sixty something mature man (almost grandpa) is so disgusting. For your note, I get along very well with his daughter that so sweet and nice. It's his father that has a problem with his mouth.

Sadly, this man is my father in-law. My own father is a great father who I admire so much. He's loved, heard, and respected by his family because he can give advice and so willing to hear our opinions. My father is a totally opposite person from this dumbfounded man. he's just not aligned to the image in my head what the head of a family should be. And sometimes I'm kind of understand why my husband has an anger to his father that affects his communication with his father and even become allergic to any kinds of intentions and acts that show similarities to what his father does.

He's so blind of his flaws and even thinking that he's so kind and noone in his family understand him. It was said on several ocasions that as if his friends understand him more than his own family. But his friends only show gratitude for he has a habit like a Santa Claus who splurges a great deal of money for his friends. His friends don't have to face and live with his insane attitudes. His friends don't have to watch their money wasted for such a nonsenses. And he acts as if his friends more kind to him than his family without analyze what's wrong with himself.

I know, my head said to me to take a pity on him for all his wrong doing. But I still can't. I rarely dislike someone. I love to love and hate to hate. But this person, I have no respect for him. I'll keep my mouth and drive my attitude toward him. But I can't love him, like I love his wife, for being the best mother in-law I ever known.

A Month Full of Hope

Finally, after a grave quiet March, here's come the more lively April, bringing hope at least for a month ahead. A catalog need to be designed, an old client contacted to follow up a once delayed project, and if the our optimism still abundant, an annual report and another catalog are already set up for the next month. But, if the clients kept their promises since we've learnt from our experiences that project without downpayment is only as good as a lie.

Though we're quite happy with the prospect, we're not too optimist as before that we can survive for a long time if we don't change our way of doing business. March is the month of introspection and contemplation. We've set our mind to improve our strategy. We're working on the blueprint of our new company, a more organized and professional one.

In the middle of this month, I'm going to have a field trip to Central Java and East Java. During that trip, I may become one of the speaker, only in a few minutes session in front of my fellow designers. Still have no idea what to talk since I've been too long not seriously involved in academic design topic like I once did before. But I'll take the chance anyway because I believe that one lead to another. And I have to challenge myself and conquer my fear by going out of my comfort zone frequently so that someday there's no wall that can stand before me and my dreams. Everything must begin at one point.

Before the field trip, we're invited to a book launching. I plan to attend it, though reluctantly, so we can extend our network. It's an application of old trick we've learnt this far, that being skillful is useless unless people know who you are. It's a trick that so simple that we've underestimated it before. In addition, it's good to see a lot so you know a lot.

And for the next month, I've planned to have two classes.

The first class is a Bible Study class. I want to have a right way of thinking in building my life. I believe the right mind create the right deeds. What I like about Christians I met is they have this positivism that allow them to face the hard fact of life, as if nothing can break them down. I want to have that positivism, that's why I take this class.

The second class is a Writing for Professionals class. I know I can write. But the way I write is still need many improvements. I once read an article on design matters written by one of my fellow designer. He is so smart, deep in thinking, broad in knowledge, and very articulated. But he writes an article in a way of writing a paper, so technical and boring that one of the reader I know said that she used to skip anything written by him. So I was challenged to write better than him. I'm so curious, can a I become a capable writer in design topic? We'll see... The only problem I have with this class is the schedule which overlaps with my teaching schedule. I plan to discuss another possibility with the lecture of this writing class since he's a friend of mine and we've frequently working together.

Oh well, maybe this 2009 is truly a year of learning both in business and skills, and you know what... I think I'm happier than last year because there's so many chances to improve myself and our business :)

Divorce, Death, and Accident

March 2009 is full of life lessons to learn. My uncle passed away, my colleague got divorced, and my auntie had an accident that broke her leg. And it happened in just one day, on Saturday, a week ago. Heard all happened simultaneously quite shocked me. That day, I felt like living a surreal life, as if all was a dream.

Unfortunately, all were not a dream.

My colleague has divorced from his wife. I was very surprised. He never showed the grief on his face though I later knew that his relationship problem had weight him from a year ago. My colleague is a funny and smart man who has a charisma to influence and inspire others. To think that such a man can have this kind of problem surprised me. The reason of separation is complex, a typical of husband and wife relationship problems. Being in a marriage by myself has made me quite understand that marriage is really not for everyone. Marriage needs two humble persons to accept and learn each other.

I was teaching when my mom messaged me told me that my uncle passed away. That day was ching ming, the day when chinese visited the graves of their relatives, especially their parents. My mom, her sisters, and my grandmother visited my late grandfather's grave. And then came the sad news, that we had lost our uncle, passed away in his sleep. In the morning my auntie found him bluish all over his face. Though till now the reason of his dying had never been clear, it was suspected a heart attack. So, last Saturday and Sunday, my parents went to Jakarta to visited my auntie's family. On Monday, my uncle was buried. All were deep in cried while his coffin lowered to the grave. He was a good man, I remembered him as someone who was very generous and has helped my family much.

Also on that day, I heard from my husband that our auntie has fallen from her motorcycle and broke her legs. This auntie is a superwoman that also had sudden lost of her husband by a heart attack to. Since then, she worked hard all by herself to raise her three daughters. Now she has her own small factory that made all that sewn promotional items like bags, hats, jackets, and so on. She was on her way to draw some bills from her clients when the accident happens.

These all has made me think that life is so unpredictable. Sometimes we try so hard to make all planned, all set. But then a sudden even happens that turn the structure into chaos. And we have to pick the pieces one by one, gather all our strength and again, make another plan as if it can't be broken again. It's the time that tested us how big is your faith and vision of your life.

And what's funny is human (including me), still has this procrastinator at heart, always delay to do the important things to the next day. We delay to finish our job, to do the best we can, and even to say 'I love you' to someone mean so much for us. We always think there's always be tomorrow though the hard fact is we don't always the privilege of tomorrow. Just like my auntie who has lost her husband. Her guilt is she didn't allow her husband to buy satay because she has cooked. Unfortunately my uncle died without his last wish fulfilled. It's just a simple thing. But it mean something when the tomorrow is not yours anymore.

So, I must feel grateful that I still alive, still has a husband who loves me so much, and parents that stay beside me to bless me with their endless supports, sister and brother that so kind and supportive that I can tell them anything, and a life to celebrate, full of opportunities and people that care. And, the last but not the least, is The Mighty God, My Kind Father that makes all beautiful in the right time.

I should be thankful and create my life the best I can :)

Concealed Depression

Why I made this blog? The reason is very simple. I don't want people to know my dark depressed moment. I think nobody likes gloomy person, like Eeyore in the Winnie the Pooh story who always brings dark cloud above his head. His friends get sad near him. I don't want that. I like to please others. I want perceived as a happy messenger, who always talk about enthusiasm, happiness, and hope to others. Sadness is something better to be kept by myself. There's no need to tell the world.

So if I get upset, I simply delay my complain, and quietly pour all in this blog. This blog is the only place I can be nasty, evil, and extremely complaining. Usually after I write down all my worries and sadness... I feel relieved and have the strength to forgive people or situation that hurt me.

But lately the life is really testing me, for it so unforgiving and tough that almost make me drowned and hard to breath. Even write down my unhappiness seemed not really helpful anymore. It's like that everything has the chance to hurt me. And I hate myself when I become this fragile. I loathe it.

Bodoh

Saya sedang marah sekali. Bukan marah pada orang lain. Saya marah pada diri sendiri. Rasanya ingin memaki-maki diri sendiri, kamu BODOH, koq bisa-bisanya sih kamu menyodorkan diri kamu ke dalam situasi seperti ini?! Harusnya kan kamu tahu, harusnya kamu bisa menilai situasinya. Kenapa kamu tetap nekat, naif, dan impulsif, untuk menjebloskan diri ke dalam kehidupan macam ini. Katanya sih kamu mengerti sifat manusia. Dulu sih kamu merasa bisa menilai orang. Tapi kenyataannya? Keputusan kamu salah total. Kamu mendapat nilai minus untuk pilihan kamu. Sekarang kamu tahu kan akibatnya? Meredup dan terus meredup. Mungkin mati sebentar lagi. Tragis.

The War is Not Over

Business is not really good now, for us. Actually, it's not really good at all. Having lost almost all our saving last year in stocks, we hoped this year we can regain our financial success like last year. But these first months of 2009 haven't show any good signs yet.

February is our last busy month, preparing an exhibition for our client. I was so exhausted but grateful in having jobs while others said they had their business slowed down. But apparently, we were happy too soon. After the busy February, here comes the sterile March, when only one customer called us in the need of print ad layout.

It's been said that every business has its ups and downs. However, my guts is telling me that there's still a long windy road of our journey. What we face now is just the first chapter of the global recession. And what we need now is a lot of faith, determination, and of course, an evaluation of our company. We must be do something wrong because in this economic catastrophic, there are business that still running. Some of them even still perform well, as if they are untouchable by the current situation. We want to learn their way.

The hardest part of this situation is to be insane no matter how heavy the troubles that weigh you. It's tough, I know, but in my whole life, I've experienced once, that worse than this one. It's the point when I lost my appetite for life at all for being depressed by the gap of my ideal ideas of life to the real one. I simply didn't find any motivations to wake up every day. I even had a suicidal thought crossed in my mind.

But now it's different. Though the condition is quite overwhelmed, I've got back my once lost passion and motivation. These things that have kept me going. These are hybrid ones, differ from mine while still being an employee. It's a passion and motivation tested by time and hard works, with many adjustments accompanied by sweat, tears, and many series of domestic fights and argumentations with my husbands. With these new ones, I'm a tougher one, with much more realistic view of this imperfect life and flexibly adjust my attitude accordingly.

Every time I become pessimistic, I always remember this story:

One man who never experiences school is selling hot dogs at the corner of one street. The hot dogs is selling well, because he always assures that his customers get the best hot dogs from him. He only sells hot dogs with thick buns and meats. He has the poster on his booth that promoting his hot dogs. 'Good price, for a meaty jumbo hot dogs!' it says. His customers just keep coming back, longing for his hot dogs.

The business is so good that he can send his son go to college. He want his son gets the proper education, so he won't be like him who never taste a college. One day his son comes home for a holiday. During a family dinner, he asked his father, 'How's the business going? Don't you know there's a global economic recession? It seems that everyone has a financial crisis now.' He never read a newspaper, he's not too good at reading. Beside, he's too busy with his business to have his own free time. But his son, is educated and literate to the current economic situation, so he believes him. 'I must make some adjustment accordingly' he thinks.

Then he makes his hot dogs thinner so he can cut the cost and sell it cheaper. He is also put down the poster thinking is not relevant anymore with his hot dogs now and never bother to put the new one. He thinks people is in financial trouble anyway that promotion is not needed. The regular customers then find that his hot dogs are not as big and thick as before. They are very upset and stops visiting his booth to buy. The sales suddenly deep dive drastically. And it's what he said to his son, 'Son, you're right, we're in a global economic recession.'

So, the war is not over, I know, but it's still just too soon to raise a white flag.

A Black Day

Yesterday I woke up in anger and depression. I had this bad bad dream that kept coming up everytime I have some problems in my life. This kind of bad dream always managed to make me feeling guilty and stupid for decision I've made in my life, that I chose to use my heart instead my head. The decision that result in my misery right now. I hated everything, blamed anyone, and drowned in the hole of negativism, as if there's no future, no light at all.

And it tainted almost my whole day. My innocent husband became My Victim No.1. He unfortunately ticked my emotion by asking something about the job. Basically not a so patient person, he's quite pissed by my reaction. But, he's already lived with me for so many days. And he knew that it's not the first day his wife had this kind of mood swing. So he patiently waited the black cloud to go away.

He's right. In the afternoon, I've gained my optimism back. I didn't know how. I thought my first smile mistakenly made had repaired all damages. My husband happily embraced the happy version of his wife. And everything was suddenly just getting better and better. In the evening, the anger and depression just went away. I just felt very tired. Being in bad mood drained my energy.

I think it's silly, being upset for a very weak reason. How can I, the person who trust reason more than emotion can get into this kind of situation? During the depression, I worked very hard getting rid all the blue mood, but it just didn't work. Only when I gave up to repair the damage then I can get back my happiness.

Maybe sometimes I really get a very bad day and can't do anything about it. What I can do is only praying and waiting all the bads will go away, and hopefully not hurting anyone during the wait.

Mencipta dan Menjual

SAYA, SUATU KETIKA
Pernah ada waktunya saya jadi desainer idealis yang cinta mati sama desain grafis, yakin banget kalo desain grafis adalah satu-satunya bidang yang bisa bikin saya bahagia. Karenanya, saya di saat itu punya cita-cita untuk jadi salah satu desainer legendaris yang dikenal karena karya dari rumah desainnya dan diundang untuk jadi pembicara di mana-mana untuk membagi ilmu. Itu adalah gambaran masa depan yang sempurna buat saya masa itu. Jadi merujuk cita-cita di masa depan, saya rajin ikut menyatakan pendapat di forum desain, berkenalan dengan para senior, jadi dosen tamu, bahkan pembicara kecil-kecilan di even-even desain grafis. Senang sekali, karena saya fokus hanya pada satu bidang, desain grafis. Selain bidang itu, semuanya nomor dua, termasuk keluarga sendiri.

MEMULAI USAHA SENDIRI
Dan kemudian saya bertemu suami saya, dengan siapa saya memulai usaha desain bareng. Karena masih ingin konsisten menjadi desainer legendaris, saya selalu berusaha untuk membuat karya sempurna dengan standar untuk kejuaraan desain. Dan... selamat datang di dunia nyata.... ngga banyak klien menghargai itu. Yang punya uang banyak untuk membayar, nilai seninya mati. Buat dia yang penting cepat selesai dan tepat waktu. Ada klien yang nyeni, tapi bayarannnya ngga begitu besar dan maunya banyak. Ngga ada tuh yang namanya klien sempurna, karena standar sempurna tiap orang kan beda-beda.

Saya serasa dibangunkan dari mimpi tentang dunia desain utopis yang selama ini saya lihat dengan kacamata pelangi. Sebelumnya saya selalu menilai sebuah desain hanya dari nilai estetisnya semata. Apakah tipografinya bagus? Apakah semuanya berpadu dengan sempurna? Apakah wananya unik? Estetis semata pertimbangannya. Sayangnya dalam bisnis, bukan faktor-faktor itu saja yang jadi penentu. Ironisnya malah seringkali faktor-faktor itu tidak diperhitungkan. Lebih penting, kamu kenal siapa, dan bagaimana kamu 'menjual' diri kamu. Saya juga menganalisa beberapa perusahaan desain yang sudah besar. Fakta membuktikan, mereka yang maju lebih disebabkan karena mereka pandai menjual peusahaannya, daripada berkarya bagus. Reality bites, mendesain jauh beda dengan berbisnis desain. Kesimpulannya, menjadi legendaris tidak identik dengan menjadi makmur. Padahal saya juga mau makmur, malah mungkin lebih tertarik menjadi makmur.

MENCINTAI PEKERJAAN SAYA
Setelah melewati proses yang panjang dan penuh pergumulan antara Idealisme versus Realisme, saya akhirnya jadi menikmati proses menjalankan bisnis, lebih tepatnya menjual karya saya. Saya menyukai proses bagaimana memperoleh kepercayaan klien dengan presentasi portfolio, membantu bisnis mereka, dan melayani mereka sebaik mungkin. Ketika klien yang sama memesan lagi, saat itu saya merasa telah berhasil, berarti mereka puas dengan kerja kami. Saya jadi merasa dibayar untuk bersenang-senang.

BERUSAHA MEWUJUDKAN CITA-CITA LAMA
Setelah dua tahun vakum dari kegiatan desain, saya kangen untuk bergabung lagi dengan organisasi desain. Kekangenan itu didasari oleh nostalgia masa lalu, bagaimana saya bahagia berkecimpung secara aktif di dunia desain grafis. Maka bergabunglah saya dengan segera saat seorang teman mengajak saya bergabung dengan salah satu kepanitiaan even desain. Harusnya saya bahagia dengan kegiatan ini. Toh ini seperti mewujudkan cita-cita lama saya, menjadi desainer grafis yang idealis berkarya untuk dunia desain. Tapi mendadak saja saya menemukan ide bisnis yang baru. Saya antusias sekali dengan ide ini. Saking antusiasnya, minggu ini kami berkeliling untuk mencari cara mewujudkan ide ini. Sekarang ide ini masih dalam proses.

Lucunya antusiasme saya mewujudkan ide ini langsung mematikan keinginan saya untuk berorganisasi. Saya sempat heran dengan mudahnya minat saya akan organisasi ini menguap. Ini kan cita-cita saya sejak dulu. Bahkan saking gembiranya saya akan berorganisasi, saya sampai menuliskan di blog ini. Tapi yang ada sekarang hanya keinginan untuk keluar segera supaya bisa fokus dengan ide baru. Aneh kan...

SAYA, SEKARANG
Hari ini saya sadar, saya telah berubah. Kesenangan saya dulu bukan kesenangan saya sekarang. Berkarya untuk kegiatan sosial bukan minat saya yang sesungguhnya. Saya lebih suka berkarya mewujudkan ide saya sendiri, dan menghasilkan uang dari ide saya itu. Rasanya seperti menantang diri sendiri, membuat nyata sesuatu yang tadinya abstrak, dan dihargai karena itu. Saya sudah punya rumah desain yang seperti itu. Saya mau satu lagi, untuk membuktikan diri saya.

Lucunya saya juga jadi sadar penyebab sumber frustasi saya selama ini. Saya selalu merasa bersalah karena merasa senang memperoleh bayaran buat desain yang menurut saya standar. Saya seperti memarahi diri sendiri, koq kamu turun level sih merasa senang buat karya yang biasa-biasa saja. Saya tidak mau menerima kalo saya sudah berubah. Lebih tepatnya ukuran kebahagiaan saya. Saya yang sekarang mencintai tak hanya proses berkarya itu saja, melainkan juga proses bagaimana menjual karya saya itu. Makanya saya ngga terlalu niat bikin karya-karya buat diri sendiri yang tidak bisa dijual. Saya suka desain saya kalo bisa dijual. Bodohnya juga saya baru ingat, kalau SMA dulu juga saya senang membuat gambar karena gambar itu bisa dijual. Dan saya sekarang lagi tertarik untuk mencoba banyak hal baru, di luar desain grafis. Sepertinya asyik tuh, mencoba dunia yang baru.

Makanya bergabung dengan sebuah organisasi sama sekali tidak mengakomodasi keinginan saya itu.
Makanya saya langsung pindah ke lain hati...

Yahhh, saya emang komersil banget sih... Dari dulu sebenarnya... Cuma baru ngaku sekarang.

Screw You!

Duhhh, bilang aja deh saya ngga tau terima kasih, tapi tinggal di rumah ini, terutama gara-gara satu orang itu, bikin saya stress. Dari pagi buta TV udah nyala. Mending kalo emang ditonton. Seringkali dinyalain terus ditinggal, atau orang ngobrol atau telepon sementara TV bunyi. Yahhh... dari sana udah bisa ketauan orang-orangnya kaya apa. Dangkal dan ngga ada pikiran. Kerjaannya kalo engga ngurusin judi bola, maen mahjong, makan enak apa hari ini. Padahal udah ngga ada pemasukan dan kalo ngomong seolah-olah duitnya masih banyak kaya dulu. Belum lagi kalo ngga sengaja ngedenger omongannya, males banget deh... Serba ngga penting dan seringkali saya heran banget, koq bisa ada orang bego gitu bisa hidup dengan selamat sampai hari ini.

Stress stress stres...

FIVE Stars

It's crazycrazycrazy to agree finishing 4 books only in one and a half months. My photographer client was very busy that he just dissapeared for a month only to come again to us, already in panic mode, hoping us can manage to finish them all. The books must be finished with 4 different styles. One of them has already been 75% finished. But my load added by the wedding book set that contain 4 books in one style. So I run, run, and run from the mid of January to today. I have a dark circle around my eyes just got blackened, a backpain, and a sore palm.

But I finished my target! And if I can give my works stars, I proudly give them FIVE, in terms of design quality, pace, emotion, and determination. Honestly, I didn't expect my books have this quality since the time is really tight. But, God bless me, I can manage to wrap them up at their best.

My latest wedding book, so far are the best from all I've designed. It's the factor of experiences and the ability to control my emotion, concentration, and time management that count. Furthermore, I also realize that my standard keep up, and up, that make me sooo hard to please. I have to deal better with my perfectionism for more reasonable equation between the fee and time spent.

During this crazy period, I can't perform well as a wife. But he understands the situation by being patient, keeping my emotion good, accompanied me to a meeting and then picked me up when I finished, even ironing a pile of clothes that should be my job to finish. And before we sleep, he massage my back and my hand. So, BIG THANKS to my hubby, for being the greatest supporter during the crazy times, he also gets FIVE stars!

Good Thing or Bad Thing?

Masih cukup jelas di ingatan kejadian yang bikin saya sebel sama dia sampai sekarang. Waktu itu jam 9 pagi, saya baru bangun tidur. Masih setengah sadar, saya duduk di sebelah dia sambil menghirup kopi, buat 'nampar' saya bangun. Di TV lagi ada acara bincang-bincang tentang kewiraswastaan yang dipandu Dian Sastro. Tiba-tiba dia nanya ke saya,

"Kamu bisa ngga tuh ngomong kaya Dian gitu?"
(Maksud dia public speaking, gitu...)
"Yahhh, tergantung topiknya apa dulu... Kalo ngga tau mau ngomong apa,"
(Masih males, baru bangun tidur udah ditanya-tanya hal-hal macam itu.)
"Misalkan topiknya kamu tau, gimana."
(Nada nanyanya udah ngga niat, saya udah tau actually dia mau cerita sesuatu, bukan nanya)
"Ngga masalah kalo gitu."
(Udah ngga niat juga jawabnya, habis nanyanya juga ngga niat)
"Kalo si A bisa loh, dia sering ngomong di depan gitu."
(Ohhhhhhhh, jadi maksudnya mau banggain si A, anaknya... Ngerti-ngerti...)

Yahhh Pa... Kalo mau banggain anaknya mah banggain aja. Ngga usah pake banding-bandingin gitu kali. Maksudnya apa, mau mastiin saya ngga bisa, jadi anaknya lebih hebat gitu? Kalau saya mau koar-koar, saya juga bisa bilang, saya pernah jadi wakil wisudawan yang pidato di depan 900 orang dan semua memberikan pujian buat pidato saya saat saya turun dari podium. Saya juga bisa cerita, kalau saya bisa memenangkan tender desain tanpa bawa desain karena presentasi saya saja. Saya sih ngga mau mengarah ke anaknya. Anaknya baik, saya ngga ada masalah dengan dia. Bapaknya? Amit-amit... Saya heran orang model gitu bisa lewat survival. Harusnya udah punah dari dulu.

Rasa sebel ini ada sejarahnya sih. Ngga cuma kejadian ini aja. Banyak kelakuan hari-hari dia yang bikin mual. Jadi ini cuma puncaknya, saat saya memutuskan untuk menjadikan dia my biggest enemy. Pokoknya di mata saya, dia cacat apa adanya.

But then, rasa sebel karena merasa dikecilkan itu mendorong saya untuk berpikir. Emang sih, saya lagi payah waktu itu. Selain kerja, kerja, dan kerja, apa yang saya punya? Keluar jarang, tampang berantakan, ngerjainnya cuma desain melulu. Jadi nerdy, ngga gaul, ngga belajar lagi hal yang baru. Pantesan aja saya direndahin kaya gitu. Yah walaupun bukan jaminan orang kaya gitu bisa ngehargain orang lain, anyway anyhow, kejadian itu bikin saya mau upgrade diri saya lagi, ngga mau tenggelam dalam stagnasi.

Jadilah saya menyusun resolusi tahun baru saya. Saya mencantumkan hal-hal yang mau saya tingkatkan atau saya pelajari. Saya bertekad, tahun ini ngga boleh cuma kecapean kerja, harus belajar sesuatu, harus punya sesuatu yang baru. Dan saya sekarang cukup senang dengan kondisi saya. Forget the financial burden that now faced by most people in the world, saya sudah berhasil mewujudkan beberapa dari resolusi saya itu. Misalnya sekarang saya sudah mengajar kembali, sudah bergabung dengan organisasi, dan dapat teman baru. Saya juga bisa menyediakan waktu bersosialisasi dengan teman-teman lama saya, walaupun ngga sering-sering amat. Selain itu, saya juga akan mengambil kursus menulis tengah taun ini. Saya hampir saja bisa memenuhi salah satu resolusi saya untuk membuat buku desain Indonesia, kalau saya tidak membelot ke promosi. But, no regrets, karena setelah saya pikir lagi, maksud saya untuk membuat buku desain Indonesia adalah bukan sebagai desainer saja, tapi konseptornya, malah penulisnya.

Ternyata, ngga cuma positive encouragement yang bisa bikin orang bergerak. Tapi juga negative insult. Hahaha, setelah saya ingat-ingat, dulu saya juga bisa mendesain dengan excellent justru di saat bos saya menyatakan ketidakpercayaan pada kemampuan saya. Saya jadi ingat buku Thick Face Black Heart karangan Chin Ning Chu. Di buku itu diajarkan kalau kita marah atau sakit hati, tak perlu repot-repot berusaha mengubahnya jadi energi positif seperti yang banyak ditulis di psikologi barat. Itu sangat menghabiskan energi (mungkin dalam bentuk rasa bersalah karena jadi jahat). Buku itu malah menyarankan untuk menggunakan energi negatif itu untuk mendorong dan memotivasi. Dan inilah yang terjadi pada saya. Menjadi lebih baik justru karena direndahkan.

Nah kalau begitu, apa yang telah dilakukan oleh bapak menyebalkan itu, is good thing, or a bad thing?

Leaving My Comfort Zone

Salah satu target saya di tahun 2009 ini adalah bergabung dengan organisasi. Amazingly, kesempatan itu datang dengan sendirinya. Bekas teman kantor saya telepon, mengajak saya bergabung ke kepanitian yang akan dibentuk untuk menyelenggarakan sebuah kompetisi prestisius di bidang desain. Karena memang saya ada niatan ke sana, happily, I accepted the opportunity.

Jabatan saya adalah Koordinator Desain, katanya. Kemudian saya ketahui, kalau saya diajak memang untuk kapabilitas saya. Yang merekomendasikan adalah seorang desainer grafis yang cukup kawakan di States, yang menjadi salah satu instigator event ini. Singkatnya bisa saya katakan, dia ngga percaya desainer lain selain saya.

Lucunya saat rapat pertama, malah ditawarkan untuk pindah ke bagian Promosi, karena tak ada orang di sana. Bahkan seksi itupun baru dibentuk karena saya yang terus bertanya, bagaimana desain bisa mengerjakan sesuatu jika tak ada konsep promosinya. Suami saya senang dengan jabatan saya yang baru ini. Bagus buat networking, katanya, mengingat kami perlu memperluas relasi untuk memberi makan "bayi" kami, perusahaan desain kami.

Tapi kemudian, desainer yang merekomendasikan saya itu berusaha menarik saya kembali ke bagian desain. Begitu juga ketua panitianya. Saya sadar, actually, my niche is designing. I know nothing about promoting. Should I come back? Tapi seksi promosi juga menarik, ketidaktahuan itu, somehow, exciting... and challenging...Dan saya jadi pusing, berantem antara idealisme saya yang sebenernya memang lebih nyaman di seksi desain dan bikin portfolio bagus daripada mempelajari area yang sama sekali baru buat saya.


Dan seperti Hamlet yang terus terperangkap dalam keragu-raguannya, saya mumet tak mampu mengambil pilihan. Stress, takut salah langkah. But then, thanks to my hubby with his boldness. He said this,

"Ngapain kamu desain? Belum saatnya kita ber'amal' seperti itu. Jangan samain kita sama si A, atau si B yang sudah mapan, punya pegwai dan bisnis yang mantap." katanya.

Saya mengerti banget sih poin dia. Belum saatnya... Sekarang setiap waktu saya harus dialokasikan dengan efisien dan efektif, untuk kemajuan usaha kami. Maksud dia adalah, kami harus mendapat manfaat yang aligned dengan misi kami itu. Jadilah akhirnya saya masuk ke seksi promosi.

Dan sekarang, walaupun masih sedikit ngeri dengan ketidaktahuan saya, perasaan saya sudah mantap bahwa pilihan saya benar. Lagipula... setelah dipikir-pikir, harus mendesain lagi untuk amal, rasanya males juga setelah hampir selalu overload dengan kerjaan desain sendiri.

The Idealist (INFP)

INFP–Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
(Introverted Feeling with Extraverted Intuition)

As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.

INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand people's perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".

When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.

INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don't understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it's not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst.

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' of the group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic.

INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for. Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Feeling
Auxiliary: Extraverted Intuition
Tertiary: Introverted Sensing
Inferior: Extraverted Thinking


CAREER

INFPs generally have the following traits:

Strong value systems
Warmly interested in people
Service-oriented, usually putting the needs of others above their own
Loyal and devoted to people and causes
Future-oriented
Growth-oriented; always want to be growing in a positive direction
Creative and inspirational
Flexible and laid-back, unless a ruling principle is violated
Sensitive and complex
Dislike dealing with details and routine work
Original and individualistic - "out of the mainstream"
Excellent written communication skills
Prefer to work alone, and may have problems working on teams
Value deep and authentic relationships
Want to be seen and appreciated for who they are
The INFP is a special, sensitive individual who needs a career which is more than a job. The INFP needs to feel that everything they do in their lives is in accordance with their strongly-felt value systems, and is moving them and/or others in a positive, growth-oriented direction. They are driven to do something meaningful and purposeful with their lives. The INFP will be happiest in careers which allow them to live their daily lives in accordance with their values, and which work towards the greater good of humanity. It's worth mentioning that nearly all of the truly great writers in the world have been INFPs.

The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an INFP. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed.

Possible Career Paths for the INFP:

Writers
Counselors / Social Workers
Teachers / Professors
Psychologists
Psychiatrists
Musicians
Clergy / Religious Workers


OTHER QUOTES
INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginitive, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal.

"To understand Healers, we must understand their idealism as almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. The Healer is the Prince or Princess of fairytale, the King's Champion or Defender of the Faith..."
- The Portrait of a Healer Idealist (Keirsey)

"INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life."
- Portrait of an INFP (The Personality Page)

"creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings..."
- INFP Jung Type Descriptions (similarminds.com)

"An INFP's feelings form the foundations of the individual. They are sacred and binding, in the sense that their emergence requires no further justification. An INFP's feelings are often guarded, kept safe from attack and ridicule. Only a few, close confidants are permitted entrance into this domain."
- INFP Profile (INFP Mailing List)
"Highly creative, artistic and spiritual, they can produce wonderful works of art, music and literature. INFPs are natural artists. They will find great satisfaction if they encourage and develop their artistic abilities. That doesn't mean that an INFP has to be a famous writer or painter in order to be content. Simply the act of "creating" will be a fulfilling source of renewal and refreshment to the INFP. An INFP should allow himself or herself some artistic outlet, because it will add enrichment and positive energy to their life."
- INFP Personal Growth (The Personality Page)

"INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It's as though they live at the edge of a looking-glassworld where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities."
- INFP Profile (TypeLogic)

"Their job must be fun, although not racous, and it must be meaningful to them. They need a strong purpose in their work. They want to be recognized and valued, without undue attention given to them. They may become embarrassed when make the center of attention. As a result, they may undersell their strengths in order to avoid being singled out and made to feel conspicuous. They would rather have their worth be noticed gradually over time."
- INFP - The Dreamer (Lifexplore)

Dreamy Idealist (DI)

Adjectives which describe your type
introverted, theoretical, emotional, spontaneous, idealistic, dreamy, effusive, pleasant, reserved, friendly, passionate, loyal, perfectionist, helpful, creative, composed, curious, obstinate, with integrity, willing to make sacrifices, romantic, cautious, shy, peace-loving, vulnerable, sensitive, communicative, imaginative

Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal. Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.

For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy. They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves. Superfluous small talk is not their thing. If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love.

IDEALIST Finding Meaning and Unique Identity

The most sensitive of the Idealists is the Healer (INFP). While their list of jobs may echo that of other Idealists, they are more drawn to express their own unique vision of the world that all other types, so their work cannot help but be unique. They interpret their visions in the world of music, art, entertainment, or dance. As a professor or teacher, counselor or social worker, they often unlock the mysteries of life for those they encounter. In business they are drawn to organizational development and human resources careers. They may have a religious calling or seek work as a librarian. Their careers need to be in alignment with their personal values. Says Kay, “I chose health education so I could touch the lives of others to help them make better choices about their lives. I know I’ve done some good.”

All Idealists seek to have a life of meaning, to help themselves and others grow to be the best that they can be. They do not want to be a copycat of someone else, but want to be seen as a unique and valuable individual.

Idealist Portrait of the HEALER (INFP)–Part 01

Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.

Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.

At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

Princess Diana, Richard Gere, Audrey Hephurn, Albert Schweiter, George Orwell, Karen Armstrong, Aldous Huxley, Mia Farrow", and Isabel Meyers are examples of a Healer Idealists.

Anybody Listen?

Kemaren, abis mandi malem, jam 10an, saya bikin desain buku. Kerjaan semi pro bono, buat seorang teman. Emang bayaran belum jelas. Judulnya membantu. Teman ini bukan maunya gretongan. Dia lagi cari dana. Karena masih dalam proses. Jumlah belum bisa dipastikan. Anyway anyhow, saya udah memutuskan untuk bantu. Jadi yah saya kerjain. Cuma jangan sampe ganggu projek yang dibayar. Makanya saya selipin, kerjain malem-malem, biarpun tangan udah lumayan pegel dan mau flu.

Sesudah cari-cari font, saya mau test print. Yang nyambung ke komputer versi printer deskjet. Kalau buat test huruf, deskjet ngga oke, karena bikin huruf gendut dan ngga akurat. Kalau hurufnya keliatan jelek, saya harus ganti font. Bukunya kaya novel, jadi keterbacaan penting. Makanya saya mau pindah ke laserjet aja. Lebih akurat.

Ini yang bikin dia marah. Katanya saya harus pakai deskjet, ngga boleh laserjet. Katanya ngga ada bedanya di mata dia. Katanya saya ngabisin duit. Terus merambat deh ke box contoh yang kita beli untuk mulai bisnis box. Katanya saya setengah-setengah.

Saya sakit hati. Saya udah jelasin, kenapa saya pakai laserjet. Dia ngga mau percaya. Saya ngga nuntut dia ngerti. Dia kan bukan desainer, mata dia emang ngga harus bisa ngebedain. Dia bilang terus kalau saya harus abisin tinta deskjet, boros kalau pakai laserjet. Saya sudah bilang, deskjet akan saya pakai buat proyek lain. Dia bilang ngga ada proyek lain yang bisa pakai laser walaupun saya sudah bilang kalau proyek buku lain yang saya kerjakan nantinya akan bisa pakai deskjet.

Saya sedih sekali karena dia memaksakan kehendaknya (selalu) dan ngga mau percaya sama penilaian saya.

Tapi saya lebih sakit hati sama tuduhan dia kalau saya mengerjakan bisnis box saya setengah-setengah. Once pulang dari ngobrol sama temen kita, owner percetakan, dia nanya ke saya, mau fokus ke box atau digital print. Saya bilang kan bisa jalanin dua-duanya. Dia bilang ngga bisa, saya harus milih. Akhirnya saya milih digital printing. 'Oke, kita fokus di sana.'

Saya kan jadi ngga mikir box lagi. Tiba-tiba, dia bertindak menghakimi saya seperti itu. Menyakitkan sekali. Saya jadi ingat janji dia untuk menindaklanjuti bisnis digital print untuk bertanya ke salah satu franchiser digital print. Itu juga belum dia kerjain. Sibuk? Engga pastinya. Dia punya koq berjam-jam untuk main game komputer.

Sekarang siapa yang setengah-setengah?

Saya sudah capek sebenernya. Abis ini udah kesekian kalinya saya dicari-cari terus kesalahannya. Ada yang salah sama matanya, yang dia liat selalu kurangnya terus.

Kalau meja penuh tumpukan buku dan kertas, yang dia liat saya berantakan, bukan berapa banyaknya desain yang saya kerjakan, dan berapa tenaga dan pikiran yang saya kerahkan untuk menghasilkan uang buat kita berdua. Sama seperti masalah printer, yang dia liat saya buang uang buat tintanya, ngga dia liat berapa banyak yang saya hasilkan dari 'ngebuang' tinta itu. Mama dan adiknya berulang kali bilang saya kumel sekarang. Yah gimana ngga kumel, tidur kurang, ke salon jarang, baju setaun cuma beli 2 kali, itu juga diskonan.

Ngga pernah tuh saya denger dia bilang, terima kasih buat semua kerja kerasnya. Tapi kalau ada yang salah, dia terdepan buat menyampaikan kritik.

Capek, capek, capek... Saya sih ngga marah, cuma capek dan sedih sekali karena merasa ngga dihargai. Dan ngga bisa ngomong siap-siapa. Masa ngomong ke mamanya sendiri? Sejelek-jeleknya, dia anaknay sendiri. Mamanya sih baik, kalau kita lagi berantem gini, dia pasti mastiin saya makan, dan dia baik-baikin saya. Curhat ke papa mama atau adik saya juga enggalah... Ntar pas marahnya lewat, mereka ntar tetep punya image buruk tentang dia.

Yah ditelan aja sendiri. Lagian, dia lelaki yang SAYA pilih buat suami. Bagus jeleknya yah tanggung jawab saya.

Lessons on My Birthday

Today is my birthday. Messages came to me from my cell and Facebook account, saying happy birthday. They are only simple messages, wishes me all the best for the coming year. But they are really meaningful, remind me that there are still people care for me. And I'm truly thankful for that.

I learn some lessons today. The first lesson came from my friend. This afternoon, she called me. When I told her that I've found my 30's is not as glamour as I imagined at 20's, she suggested me to list down my blessings for this year. She told me that by doing the same on her birthday had made her felt more grateful for all her achievements. It's funny, for the fact that during our college year, she's the one I supported. But now, she's the one who encourages me. God working miraculously through people around me. It's a good idea, indeed. I'll do the listing down later in this blog.

Around 8 PM, I celebrated my birthday with Hubby at Kiyadon, Grand Indonesia. It's just a simple dinner for two. Really enjoy it. We had a good talk like always, and accidentally, we overheard the conversation of people next to us who talked with a very loud voice about media planning such as signboard and billboard. So we learnt a little about it, accidentally hehe...

Before we go home, Hubby went to toilet. waited him near the escalator. From there I could see people went up to upper floor. I was at 8th floor. But then I saw the lowest escalator, it's so tiny, like a miniature compared to the one only one level lower. I just realized I was very far from the ground. What will happen if I fall? Sweat was all over my palm. I felt fear. Couldn't stand the feeling, I stay away from my previous place, looking for a safer place.

And here's come the second lesson... I didn't feel fear at the first time because I chose my focus, to enjoy the sight and thing I like. But when I moved my focus to something that scared me, I started to imagine the worst thing that could happen. While actually the worst thing never happened, the fear has crippled me, made me unable to enjoy anything, even to realize that me, was on the safe ground.

It's just like facing the problem. When we tend to find a solution, it's the solution that appears. And when we see only trouble, the trouble indeed came to doom you because we're too clouded with fear that made us unable to see clearly.

Yep, I've learn my lesson, and funny, it came from unexpected sources :)

Searching for My Forte (Part 03)

I think I've found it. It's just in a process to bloom. When it does blooms, I'll be happy to celebrate the moment, pouring all my happiness here. Can't tell it now, but it's the reason I wake up every morning and why my heart keeps pounding excitedly.

Belajar daril Teman Kuliah

Kemarin saya ketawa-ketawa seharian dengan teman-teman kuliah di Eat& Eat, Mall Kelapa Gading.

Senang deh, karena kita udah lama ngga ketemu, jadi seru banget tukeran cerita masa kini juga haha hihi membicarakan kekonyolan masa lalu, jaman kita masih mahasiswa yang kemana-mana gendong ransel. Hubby yang menemani ikut tertawa-tawa di pinggir.

Temen saya, yang dulu paling deket waktu kuliah, sudah hamil 7 bulan. Ngomongnya udah ngos-ngosan karena perutnya buncit. Biasa liat dia langsing sekarang jadi agak berisi, yahhh, namanya juga calon mama. Dan dia calon mama yang cantik. Malah jadi tambah seger. Seneng deh liatnya. Lucunya ngga berkurang hehehe. Dengan logat jawa yang masih medok (tapi dulu sih lebih parah bledag bledug-nya), dengan serunya dia cerita kejadian-kejadian terkini di hidupnya plus kisah dengan calon mertua yang ngga selalu semanis madu.

Yang satunya, lagi pulang dari Singapore. Dia lagi berencana menata kembali hidupnya karena untuk pertama kalinya dia menemukan bidang yang bener-bener dia cinta, dan mau sekolah lagi buat mewujudkan mimpinya. Anak ini juga lucu kalo cerita, apalagi kalo lagi cerita tentang keponakannya yang masih imut-imut.

Dari Kelapa Gading, kita lanjut ke apartemen si ibu hamil di bilangan Kemayoran. Hubby dengan setia jadi pengantar kami. Untung Hubby saya orang yang luwes bergaul dan banyak tertawa, jadi selalu enak kalau diajak ketemu temen.

Di apartemen ini baru deh pembicaraan kami agak 'dewasa' dikit. Topiknya jadi seputar iman dan pengharapan. Yang banyak bicara sih mereka. Tapi saya menyimak mereka bercerita tentang hidupnya. Saya lebih suka jadi pendengar daripada pembicara. Karena dengan mendengar saya jadi belajar.

Mereka berdua adalah contoh orang yang berjuang hidup dari nol. Mereka ngga punya orang tua kaya raya yang menjatuhkan uang dari langit. Karena sudah kenal lama dengan mereka dan tau kisah perjuangannya, saya jadi kagum sama mereka. Mereka ini tipe fighter, dengan segala tantangan yang ada di muka, mereka tetap positif dan tetap yakin ada pengharapan di depan. Mereka sekarang ini juga ngga dalam kondisi kaya raya, ngga hidup hura-hura, tapi saya bisa melihat, mereka bahagia, berkecukupan dalam hidupnya.

Saya jadi kagum sama mereka. Soalnya belakangan ini, karena saya jarang keluar, saya cuma bergaul dengan keluarga Hubby. Keluarga Hubby baik, tapi mereka kurang memiliki pegangan dalam hidupnya. Jadi mereka cenderung untuk menjalani hidup apa adanya, hari demi hari, tanpa ada panduan prinsip hidup yang jelas. Yang penting buat mereka hanya uang, makan enak, dan bersenang-senang. Yah itu juga perlu sih kali-kali, tapi kalau sampai tiap hari, ngga bener juga kali ya...

Dan kalau hidup yang penting cuma uang, apa yang terjadi kalau uang hilang? Ini refleksi, untuk mengoreksi diri, karena itulah yang saya alamin di tahun 2008. Saya berjuang mati-matian buat uang, semua saya korbankan: sosialisasi, pencarian jati diri, aktivitas pribadi, keluarga, teman... Lihat apa yang saya dapat di saat uang saya hilang di saham... tahun yang kering kerontang tanpa pencerahan yang betul-betul bermakna, selain di bidang bisnis.

Pendeknya, saya melihat teman-teman saya bahagia karena mereka punya pegangan. Pegangan itu adalah keimanan mereka akan Tuhan. Mereka punya iman, kalau Tuhan pasti selalu ada untuk mereka, no matter what. Teman saya yang di Singapore ini malah baru-baru ini memperoleh pencerahannya. Dari sekedar menjalankan agamanya, Katolik, sebatas ritual saja, menjadi agama yang datang dari hati, diresapi setiap maknanya.

Lain lagi dengan si ibu hamil, yang saya kagumi dari dulu karena kekuatan karakternya. Saya tau dia sudah melembut dan jadi orang yang luar biasa sejak dia menikah dan tinggal di Jakarta. Dulu dia orang yang keras. Tapi sekarang saya yakin, dia teman yang baik. Dan akan jadi mama yang baik juga.

Dari pertemuan dengan mereka, saya merasa mendapatkan kekuatan yang besar, seolah-olah Tuhan membebaskan saya dari segala ketakutan yang sangat manusiawi. Saya terlalu mengukur segala sesuatu dari kekuatan manusia. Saya lupa, bahkan tahun 2008 ini telah berlalu dengan banyak bukti tangan Tuhan yang bekerja. Kalau di awal tahun ini saya dibilangin bisa menghasilkan omzet sebesar itu, saya pasti bakal menertawakan orang yang berani ngomong itu. Tapi Tuhan sungguh murah hati, everything has happened miraculously.

Sekarang ini saya bahagia dan tenang, bukan karena tabungan saya bertambah banyak, tapi karena saya sadar, yang menentukan kebahagiaan bukan berapa banyak angka di account saya, tapi apakah saya mau menyerahkan hidup saya di tangan-Nya, dengan percaya. Manusia hanya bisa berusaha, Tuhan yang menentukan. Dan saya percaya, again, God will be with us through this 2009.